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| All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence -- and then success is sure. | | Success and Failure | | |
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| Always do right -- this will gratify some and astonish the rest. | | Vice and Virtue | | |
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| Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. | | Vice and Virtue | | |
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| Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said. | | Vice and Virtue | | |
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| Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. | | Happiness and Misery | | |
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| Facts, or what a man believes to be facts, are delightful... Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. | | Science and Religion | | |
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| Forget and forgive. This is not difficult when properly understood. It means forget inconvenient duties, then forgive yourself for forgetting. By rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy. | | Vice and Virtue; Work and Recreation | | |
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| Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. | | Altruism and Cynicism | | |
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| I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. | | Altruism and Cynicism | | |
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| I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. | | Wealth and Poverty | | |
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| If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. | | Vice and Virtue | | |
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